Tiny things that make me happy

As I was driving into the touch and go only toll today, this car in front of me stopped, tapped his card on the machine. Expecting him to leave already, I slowly release my brake. However this car wasn't moving, I caught an eye on the screen and saw the word kurang. 

I realized then, his card doesn't have enough credit. He panicked, wanted to reversed but cars was pilling up behind of me. Guard realized, walked backwards asking cars to make way for this poor blue myvi. As usual, people got impatient, start honking, loudly and rapidly. 

I was second in line, first instincts was to wait obviously then I realize it was almost impossible to reverse with cars coming at light speed and stubborn car owners behind of me. I asked my friend who was at the passenger side, should I tap my card for him since it was a one way toll thing. She checked was I sure and as I was leaving the car, she told me to be careful. 

I tapped, the driver drove past the toll and stopped. He wanted to pay me back, so I waved my hand and said it was okay and me and my friend left. Business was as usual. 

As we drove past the poor guy, my friend said aren't you afraid, he was of another race and was quite scary looking. I said no, he was just a helpless guy like I was long time ago. She praise me of my bravery and kindness but I told her this was to repay a man's generosity years ago. 

It was probably almost two years ago, I was horrible at direction and couldn't make much of roads and routes. It was dark and raining slightly, I was driving alone according to waze, a route that was supposed to be quicker and have lesser jam. I didn't know the route at all. I followed it diligently till my data failed on me, I panicked and drove based on my instinct and I got lost. 

I was driving back to seremban from my office, I drove past cheras and was supposed to follow this kampung route, which I had no knowledge of. I reached a toll, I paid the toll, I drove further till I reach another toll and did the same thing again. I panicked and u turn a few times to find I kept going towards these tolls. 

As I was driving into another toll, a touch and go only toll to be exact, I couldn't find my touch and go, I thought did I drop it when I tapped on it before or could I just lost it. The same thing happened to that guy today happened to me that night. I was lost and helpless. 

A car stopped behind me, I was frantically trying to solve this mystery when someone walked past my car and reached my door side. I got the shock of my life. This mid 40 friendly looking uncle was tapping his card for me while smiling. I was so freaking touched that I wanted to hug him out of gratitude but Malaysian being Malaysian, I kept my door shut and waved and thanked him and left. 

He was the same race as the guy just now. I think it was my time to repay the uncle who helped me. I really think this is meant to be and I was meant to help him. 

Tiny things to make me happy. 

I've started writing down things that make me happy. Haha it's fun when you realize you're actually very easily pleased. Just do not step on my tails. Haha. I'm recording this down. 

#1 people acknowledged or thanked me when I hold the lift for them

Till next time. 

母亲节 快乐

是不是 只有在生病的时候会想念家

生病了 才装不了坚强

生病了 才可以表现软弱

生病了 才会变成那曾经脆弱的小孩

我自认是个健康的人 

不常生病 也不让自己生病

那天 放工回家 觉得有点发烧

就灌水 睡了至少十个小时

第二天 好了 在外跑了一整天 

结果在母亲节晚餐 身体开始热 头开始痛

在勉强吃完晚餐后 必须提早离开

在看见妈妈的瞬间 我好像变回那啥也不懂的她女儿

要她照顾 要她操心 

最后一次 应该是一年半前 我做手术的那一次

我永远不会忘记她那顾虑的眼睛 

看着正在忍痛装没事的我 

同事们都说我很勇敢 因为我是一个人住院的

我的家庭就是这样 要我们独立 

在目送妈妈疲惫的身体回家后

一个人 在病床上 滚了整晚 

睡不着 因为发炎 发烧了 

昨晚 我也是一样 

翻滚了一晚上 睡不着 身体热的可以煮蛋

不一样的是 起来后 

妈妈不在 没有爱心粥 没有淡而无味的米粉汤

只有一房间的寂寞

她在晚餐看见我那通红的面后 

第二天 信息来了 问我好了吗

我变回那倔强的我 说好了

原来 别人说的 在外 不想让父母担心 

是这样的心理 

烧退了 也呕了 肚子也不痛了

可是 更想念妈妈了 

我们家人不太会表达 

不会在面前讲

可是 想在这里

 祝我的妈妈 母亲节快乐  ❤️

3am rambling

One week ago, I spent 8 days abroad, in a foreign country. I had limited access to wifi, hence less connection to the world. I had a great time there exploring new experience and trying new adventure despite a few family drama in between, I fully enjoyed my 8 days away from reality. 

Two weeks ago, i left behind all my loneliness, my sorrow and my dilemma at where it belongs, untouched, undiscovered. I flew with my heart open, at ease for once, after months of struggling to find answers.

My younger brother suggested to do something meaningful during our 8 hours flight that may make us a better person, a rounder one as he claimed. I agreed, I set my mind to make a decision for my future, for my life. What we did was saddening though, we gambled through the flight and did nothing meaningful at all. That was also the last time my problem cross my mind. 

That 8 days pass in a bliss and there I was standing at the waiting area after another exhausting 8 hours flight back that we spent attempting to sleep. That heat in Malaysia, that familiar scene marks the end of my holiday. I was ushered through the weekends that week, I spent my Saturday with my university friends who came to seremban for a visit and Sunday was spent at home where I rejuvenate  myself after the trip. 

Then Monday came. I dread to go back to work that Monday, I knew I have no reason to skip but for once, I really wanted to. If you know me, that says a lot. I am that person in primary school that no matter how late we were or how much I hated school, I would still go to school. Along the week, that fear, that loneliness, that so familiar feeling came hunting for me. I knew this was it, I knew I had to overcome it. I knew it is finally time to make a decision. 

Was I able to figure out what was on my mind? Reluctantly, I knew what was needed to be solve but never had the initiative to. 

There's a lot on my mind now. And since its 3:33am now and I should probably get some sleep before I need to face reality again. 

Life goes on. 

2015 resolution

While I was walking to the office parking tonight after an exhausting day looking for a mistake my colleague constantly do to screw up my day, I was looking at the lobby after coming down from 29th floor. After working for this bank for close to a year and a half and being in this building for the past year, I have never examine the logo properly nor look at the lobby thoroughly. I was always passing by this lobby, the one I was walking by to get to the parking tonight, then I realize I have never even sat on that sofa along the lobby, I have never look at the fountain located outside of the automatic door. I was thinking to myself at that very moment that I will, one day be leaving this place, I should savior this moment right there. 

It hit me then, that I was always reliving moments through my memories that I admittedly forget because of my horrible memory. I realize I have never really live at that moment itself. I always miss a lot of things in life, in my history of soon to be 24 years of life, but at that moment, I always hope that time will pass faster so I could live a better life. When I was still a student, I wanted time to fly by, so I could earn my own money and start living the life I wanted and not what life constraint me of. When I am who I am now, earning my own money and living a life dreamt of little teenager me, I miss being that carefree self when I was still a student. At that moment, I realize that I have never live my life at its moment. 

I scratch all my resolution I set to myself late last year. This year, there's only one resolution I would like to achieve and I believe it's an important one. 

'To live life at its moment. '

I would love to savior that sense of achievement when I accomplished something. I would love to laugh out loud when something tiny or dumb makes me happy. I would love to cry as hard as I want when something is not going my way or simply because I was depressed. I would love to sing as if the world was under my feet. I would love to dance as if no one is watching. I would love to be alone and feel lonely without anyone judging me. I would love to speak as I want to and not filter what I want to say just because other people cannot accept the truth. I would love to love everyone in my life the way they are. I would love to appreciate what I have and own In life, whether it was from self effort or with someone's help. I would love to......

 I would love to smile because I wanted to and because I love that very moment in my life.

Note: feeling a little emotional on a night like this at 1am on a Monday night. Was talking to my colleague before I left. He told me he went and see a doctor for his lack of sleep. He said he scared he will collapsed if he doesn't get any sleep soon. One night, he told me that he slept for 3 hours the entire day because of noise outside of his apartment and he simply couldn't fell asleep. What I thought was the best choice to myself is now becoming a burden to someone else. I did a selfish choice one month ago to quit night desk entirely because my mind and body was rejecting me and I felt depressed at all time. He and another guy in the end took extra shift because of my decision. When he told me that, I felt my heart scattered to a million pieces. He doesn't blame me but I felt really bad for him. I wanted to hug him and said I was sorry and  will take every single shift of his so he could just close his eyes and sleep deeply for 8 hours. And I will. I promise I will. ☺️

我怎么了

What happen to me?

I wasn't like this. I am not this vulnerable. After got scolded by a client twice, I broke down. I broke into tears while I was still on phone with him. 

I didn't feel like it was my fault, because if it was, I would have feel guilty and apologize to him. It really wasn't my fault to be honest. 

A background explanation: Client is not our desk client, he's remisier client. He complains countless time about the night desker us being slow and inefficient. When he is angry, he nags, repeating his own words constantly. We only earn 40% of his brokerage which is very low and he is not a high volume trader. 

The first time he complain about me was when I missed his call when I went to toilet. I said I was sorry. Yet he still complain to my manager. He said we should have expect calls from him when he is trading actively. (Note: his active is call every 20mins or so) He ask me to call him if I was to go to toilet. I did after that, I call him before and after I go to toilet. I once avoid drinking water and waited till 4am to go toilet just because he was trading.  

The second time, it was my fault, I was on night desk the week before and feel very  lethargic and blur. I told him something and he got panic and make a whole scene about it the whole night, complaining to the remisier which in turn called to scold me. I apologize constantly to him. I got 2/3 calls from him to nag on my stupidness. 

The third time, I was always nervous taking his calls now because of past history. I made a mistake. He goes on and on about it. It was my first error in 11 months. I had a really good year, I did good this year. I learn my mistake and I never repeat them. He make me broke it. 

Today, this is the fourth time. This time, it honestly wasn't my fault. It was our procedure to repeat order. He said I was slow and the order didn't got done. He nag for at least half and hour and call again 5minutes later to nag on my inability and inefficiency. I tried to explain to him its our procedure to do so and he stop me whenever I want to. When I eventually did, he didn't listen to it and keep saying his point of view.

He make me vulnerable. 

I cried. 

When I get angry, somehow my tears flow. I wept for a good 20 minutes after he put down the phone. I cried so hard that my eyes turn red. I dun know why was I crying tho but my tears kept flowing. 

For the entire 1 year and 3 months that I have been working here, no one ever complain about me, yes when I did an mistake but never because of my inability. After I got my licence in Oct'13, I did insanely lots of mistake in my first 2/3 months and I promise myself I will never do the same mistake again and I didn't. I learned and I adapted. I did my best not to make any mistake and succeeded for 11 months. He broke it. He is the first client that actually make me cry.

He called again while I was writing this. I think he felt bad cause I was crying and told him I am going to quit night desk. He thought it was because of him, it partly was but a huge part was because it drains me, my energy and my concentration. I felt lifeless and sad all the time. To be honest, I wept harder after finally calm myself down an hour ago. I haven't cry this bad since ever. 

Maybe it is not him. Maybe its me. Maybe its because I knew I didn't want this job in the first place. I endure it best as I could. All new joiners have the same thinking as me, we plan to leave next year, all 4 of us. We try our best, we did our best. Whatever the boss doesn't want to do, he gave it to us. Night desk, working odd hours, coming at 7am on Monday, working on public holiday, going to events etc. Whatever it is troublesome, we were the ones who got the job. We did not complain. We do as instructed. 

It has been a horrible few months for me. I started night desk because I was hired to do so. I did it, not because of the extra allowance but because of the sense of responsibility in me. I did odd hours. I did the schedule. I work on public holidays. I did the CSV file that everyone hates. What did I get in the end? I became the middle person of the boss and night desker. The boss doesn't inform night desker of the decision he made. He make me the bad guy, he make me evil. I had to break the news to them and hurt their feelings. I had to find excuses to make them feel better just because the boss doesn't have the guts to. 

Maybe the hard crying was because of stress. Or maybe because I endure too much office politics. I love each and every one of my colleague whole hardheartedly. They are an awesome bunch. They are also one of the reason why I didn't resign at my first 3 months. I doesn't like seeing them fight. 

This is getting too long. 

Don't worry guys,

I am fine. 

I feel a lot better after crying.

I just need to get this out of my system and I'll be fine. 

:)

Driving

Driving behavior says a lot about a person

It reflects greatly a person's personality. 

Colleague refer me as a racer

I refer myself as an impatient and impulsive driver

which very much imply who I am in person

My colleague drive like a fearless tiger 

which he is, fearless, stubborn and outspoken 

A friend who drive according to every speed limit

In person, she's a very careful, cautious and by the law kind of person

Another friend who just started driving

was very cautious and nervous

this shows her insecurities and lack of confidence

Its kind of fun to guess a person's personality through their driving behavior. Most people drive very calmly and safe, this too say a lot about them actually. It reflects stability in life and unadventurous. People who drive impulsively are looking for excitement in life. You may or may not agree with me but this is what i see through my everyday driving here.   

Try observing people around you.

Its interesting, really. 

梦

这一阵子 睡得很不好

除了 睡眠时间关系 还有床与枕头关系

最严重的就是 发梦

梦

太真实了

真实和梦变得很模糊

有时觉得自己徘徊在真实与虚拟的边界

现实时 以为自己在发梦

梦里 以为自己在现实

梦到的东西 误以为现实发生过

梦里出现了很多人

熟人 认识的人 不熟的人 陌生人

发生了很多奇怪事

不是一天两天的事

我是每一天都发梦

有好几次

起身时 很害怕

虽然不记得梦了些什么

可是 我记得起身时 很怕 很恐惧

很多时候 我已不记得梦了些什么

可是 我每天起来时 总比没睡来的累

日复一日 觉得自己真的很疲倦

年尾了 又想放自己一个假

到处走走 好好休息