While I was walking to the office parking tonight after an exhausting day looking for a mistake my colleague constantly do to screw up my day, I was looking at the lobby after coming down from 29th floor. After working for this bank for close to a year and a half and being in this building for the past year, I have never examine the logo properly nor look at the lobby thoroughly. I was always passing by this lobby, the one I was walking by to get to the parking tonight, then I realize I have never even sat on that sofa along the lobby, I have never look at the fountain located outside of the automatic door. I was thinking to myself at that very moment that I will, one day be leaving this place, I should savior this moment right there.
It hit me then, that I was always reliving moments through my memories that I admittedly forget because of my horrible memory. I realize I have never really live at that moment itself. I always miss a lot of things in life, in my history of soon to be 24 years of life, but at that moment, I always hope that time will pass faster so I could live a better life. When I was still a student, I wanted time to fly by, so I could earn my own money and start living the life I wanted and not what life constraint me of. When I am who I am now, earning my own money and living a life dreamt of little teenager me, I miss being that carefree self when I was still a student. At that moment, I realize that I have never live my life at its moment.
I scratch all my resolution I set to myself late last year. This year, there's only one resolution I would like to achieve and I believe it's an important one.
'To live life at its moment. '
I would love to savior that sense of achievement when I accomplished something. I would love to laugh out loud when something tiny or dumb makes me happy. I would love to cry as hard as I want when something is not going my way or simply because I was depressed. I would love to sing as if the world was under my feet. I would love to dance as if no one is watching. I would love to be alone and feel lonely without anyone judging me. I would love to speak as I want to and not filter what I want to say just because other people cannot accept the truth. I would love to love everyone in my life the way they are. I would love to appreciate what I have and own In life, whether it was from self effort or with someone's help. I would love to......
I would love to smile because I wanted to and because I love that very moment in my life.
Note: feeling a little emotional on a night like this at 1am on a Monday night. Was talking to my colleague before I left. He told me he went and see a doctor for his lack of sleep. He said he scared he will collapsed if he doesn't get any sleep soon. One night, he told me that he slept for 3 hours the entire day because of noise outside of his apartment and he simply couldn't fell asleep. What I thought was the best choice to myself is now becoming a burden to someone else. I did a selfish choice one month ago to quit night desk entirely because my mind and body was rejecting me and I felt depressed at all time. He and another guy in the end took extra shift because of my decision. When he told me that, I felt my heart scattered to a million pieces. He doesn't blame me but I felt really bad for him. I wanted to hug him and said I was sorry and will take every single shift of his so he could just close his eyes and sleep deeply for 8 hours. And I will. I promise I will. ☺️
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