What happen to me?
I wasn't like this. I am not this vulnerable. After got scolded by a client twice, I broke down. I broke into tears while I was still on phone with him.
I didn't feel like it was my fault, because if it was, I would have feel guilty and apologize to him. It really wasn't my fault to be honest.
A background explanation: Client is not our desk client, he's remisier client. He complains countless time about the night desker us being slow and inefficient. When he is angry, he nags, repeating his own words constantly. We only earn 40% of his brokerage which is very low and he is not a high volume trader.
The first time he complain about me was when I missed his call when I went to toilet. I said I was sorry. Yet he still complain to my manager. He said we should have expect calls from him when he is trading actively. (Note: his active is call every 20mins or so) He ask me to call him if I was to go to toilet. I did after that, I call him before and after I go to toilet. I once avoid drinking water and waited till 4am to go toilet just because he was trading.
The second time, it was my fault, I was on night desk the week before and feel very lethargic and blur. I told him something and he got panic and make a whole scene about it the whole night, complaining to the remisier which in turn called to scold me. I apologize constantly to him. I got 2/3 calls from him to nag on my stupidness.
The third time, I was always nervous taking his calls now because of past history. I made a mistake. He goes on and on about it. It was my first error in 11 months. I had a really good year, I did good this year. I learn my mistake and I never repeat them. He make me broke it.
Today, this is the fourth time. This time, it honestly wasn't my fault. It was our procedure to repeat order. He said I was slow and the order didn't got done. He nag for at least half and hour and call again 5minutes later to nag on my inability and inefficiency. I tried to explain to him its our procedure to do so and he stop me whenever I want to. When I eventually did, he didn't listen to it and keep saying his point of view.
He make me vulnerable.
I cried.
When I get angry, somehow my tears flow. I wept for a good 20 minutes after he put down the phone. I cried so hard that my eyes turn red. I dun know why was I crying tho but my tears kept flowing.
For the entire 1 year and 3 months that I have been working here, no one ever complain about me, yes when I did an mistake but never because of my inability. After I got my licence in Oct'13, I did insanely lots of mistake in my first 2/3 months and I promise myself I will never do the same mistake again and I didn't. I learned and I adapted. I did my best not to make any mistake and succeeded for 11 months. He broke it. He is the first client that actually make me cry.
He called again while I was writing this. I think he felt bad cause I was crying and told him I am going to quit night desk. He thought it was because of him, it partly was but a huge part was because it drains me, my energy and my concentration. I felt lifeless and sad all the time. To be honest, I wept harder after finally calm myself down an hour ago. I haven't cry this bad since ever.
Maybe it is not him. Maybe its me. Maybe its because I knew I didn't want this job in the first place. I endure it best as I could. All new joiners have the same thinking as me, we plan to leave next year, all 4 of us. We try our best, we did our best. Whatever the boss doesn't want to do, he gave it to us. Night desk, working odd hours, coming at 7am on Monday, working on public holiday, going to events etc. Whatever it is troublesome, we were the ones who got the job. We did not complain. We do as instructed.
It has been a horrible few months for me. I started night desk because I was hired to do so. I did it, not because of the extra allowance but because of the sense of responsibility in me. I did odd hours. I did the schedule. I work on public holidays. I did the CSV file that everyone hates. What did I get in the end? I became the middle person of the boss and night desker. The boss doesn't inform night desker of the decision he made. He make me the bad guy, he make me evil. I had to break the news to them and hurt their feelings. I had to find excuses to make them feel better just because the boss doesn't have the guts to.
Maybe the hard crying was because of stress. Or maybe because I endure too much office politics. I love each and every one of my colleague whole hardheartedly. They are an awesome bunch. They are also one of the reason why I didn't resign at my first 3 months. I doesn't like seeing them fight.
This is getting too long.
Don't worry guys,
I am fine.
I feel a lot better after crying.
I just need to get this out of my system and I'll be fine.
:)
